Questions I Have About the 1985 Film Gymkata

I never blog anymore because I’ve got book writing deadlines to meet, but last night I watched a film so puzzling, so thought-provoking, so totally bonkers that I am dedicating today’s writing time to exploring it. So to my editor at Macmillan who expects a first draft of my next book in a few weeks, head’s up that I may be a little late.

Because I have to talk about Gymkata.

My husband and I sat down to watch this 1985 cinema classic last night because he’d heard it was “so bad it’s good” and I must say at least the first half of that phrase is absolutely correct.

Gymkata stars American gymnast and Olympic star Kurt Thomas as Jonathan Cabot, and it’s quite clear to me now why Kurt Thomas earned medals in gymnastics as opposed to any Oscar noms.

The film hinges on an idea so bizarre I forced my husband to pause the film so that I could review with him the exposition and initial incident that sends our protagonist up Freytag’s Pyramid.

Essentially, the character of Jonathan Cabot is recruited by United States secret intelligence to participate in a game of endurance on the fictional island of Parmistan in which all the losers die and the winner is given one request that must be fulfilled by the King of Parmistan, a la the Godfather on his daughter’s wedding day.

Got that?

So…the U.S. government convinces Cabot to play the game and, if he wins, he will use his one wish not for a new cherry red Corvette or sacks of gold bullions but (wait for it) for permission for the United States government to be able to use the island of Parmistan as a site for a U.S. satellite monitoring station, further cementing America’s dominance in the geopolitical crisis known as The Cold War.

Wait, hold up. First plotting issue.

Are we really to believe that a young man at the peak of his virility and athletic prowess would be willing to sacrifice his own life for a satellite monitoring station? I know it was the 80s and we were all jamming on Red Dawn and Ronald Reagan, but I found this to be a bit of a stretch.

Still, Cabot says yes, and we have the ubiquitous training montage that involves a lot of 80s tropes, including a second rate Mr. Miyagi-type, who forces Cabot to train for “the game” by climbing up stairs on his hands. The trainer also has a pet falcon, so you know he’s wise.

Now plotting issue number two. There is a very attractive woman known as “the princess” who is part of Cabot’s training sessions because she’s an expert at “the game.” (At one point the U.S. intelligence officer who recruits Cabot tells him, “She’s got a pretty interesting back story………….her mother’s Indonesian.” That’s it. That’s her interesting back story. That her mom happened to be born in Indonesia just like roughly 4 million other babies per annum and yes I did just look up the birth rate of Indonesia.)

ANYWAY, turns out this princess is actually the princess of PARMISTAN. So here’s my question. Why and how was the U.S. competitor to “the game” given the advantage of having a native of Parmistan flown out to our country to give him tips as to how to win? Seems really unfair to me and beneath the sportsmanship of an Olympic athlete such as Thomas/Cabot.

It’s also unrealistic that Cabot and the princess get together all hot and heavy after she has delivered approximately no lines of dialogue, but okay, the language of love is universal and whatnot plus, ya know, sexism in Hollywood.

Let’s get to Parmistan. There’s a long set up to “the game,” where the princess gets kidnapped and there’s a lot of shooting and running around, but all of this is just boring build up to what we’ve all been (sort of) waiting for…“the game.”

As my husband and I watched the climactic portion of the film, I became utterly consumed by numerous questions.

First of all, why does the King of Parmistan look like a poor man’s Mel Brooks?

Second, how does this country of Parmistan have the ability to allegedly fulfill any request for the winner of “the game,” yet the bulk of its citizenry seems to live as if it were medieval times with no electricity, indoor plumbing, or access to dental care?

Third, why do so many of the “ninjas” who help operate “the game” do little more than stand there, evoking a pose not unlike the one I struck while a member of my school’s 6^th grade safety patrol?

Fourth, why do the competitors from other countries wear track suits, but Cabot is wearing khaki slacks and a black turtleneck and looks like he’s about to take Ashley from 5^th period on a date to the Cineplex to watch Fletch starring Chevy Chase?

Fifth, why is the movie called Gymkata, yet this word is never once uttered or referenced in this movie?

Sixth, at the end of “the game,” Cabot is forced to run through an abandoned hamlet filled with “crazy people,” that is referred to as “the cuckoo’s nest.” It was the mid 80s, so the stigmatizing of mental illness was to be expected, but my question is…why is it “crazy” for a man to have two faces? Yes, in this part of the film a man with TWO FACES tries to kill Cabot. Biological IMPOSSIBILITY and not really a sign that someone is “crazy,” per se.

Seventh, also present in crazy town is a man in a white robe who beckons to Cabot. When White Robe turns around, his bare ass is exposed. Explain to me what the hell is going on here.

Eighth, as the villagers of the cuckoo’s nest surround Cabot, how is it that there happens to be a pommel horse located in the middle of the town square? Did the residents work out on it? Did it serve some other unknown purpose? And why do they keep approaching the pommel horse as Cabot spins and spins, knocking them out with his furious feet? I guess cuz they’re “crazy.”

Ninth, just as we think Cabot is gonna die, a seemingly sympathetic ninja saves him. Turns out – it’s Cabot’s DAD, who played “the game” over 20 years ago but allegedly DIED but was actually “used as diplomatic bait,” and has been hiding out on Parmistan for lo these past two decades while his son is becoming a medal-earning Olympic gymnast back in America. Now how on Earth did U.S. intelligence allow this man to languish here?!? HUGE plot hole!

Tenth, how was this movie made?

In case you’re wondering, Cabot wins “the game,” wins the girl, and the United States gets its satellite monitoring station. And I spent two hours of my life I’ll never get back watching a little film called Gymkata.

NOT ALONE – A song written exclusively for my new novel, AFTERWARD

Hey, y’all!  With my third novel, Afterward, about to hit bookshelves in just a few days (September 20!), I wanted to share something really special with all of you.

A few months ago I approached my brother and his girlfriend and music partner Claire and asked if they would be willing to write a song exclusively for Afterward.  I wanted a song that would encompass the big ideas of this novel – friendship, hope, and recovery from trauma.

I wanted a song that would reveal what I think is the book’s central message – that sometimes a soul-saving friendship can be found in the most unexpected place.  And that if we keep searching, we can find a light in the midst of the darkness.

To say Chris and Claire delivered would be an understatement.  They crafted and recorded a song called “Not Alone” that I believe captures Afterward perfectly.  I can’t wait for you to hear it!

You can download “Not Alone” for free (or pay what you want!) at Chris and Claire’s Bandcamp site. It’s also available on iTunes and Spotify.  Please be sure to listen!

Not Alone – By Chris and Claire

I’ve been running from the shadows
For quite some time
And the voices won’t stop their echo
In my mind

I’ve seen things I’d rather not remember
And I’ve come undone
But you’ve told me time and time again
You’re not the only one

Not alone
I’m not alone (x2)

It’s a dark road to travel
And I’m afraid
If I let you walk beside me
Will you help me find the way?

But I’m not alone
I’m not alone…

New DEVOTED paperback cover and an AFTERWARD giveaway!

Readers and friends, I’m so excited to share a brand new cover for my second novel, Devoted.  While I adored Devoted‘s original, gorgeous hardcover art, my publisher Macmillan has decided to package the book a bit differently for the paperback in an effort to get Rachel’s story into the hands of even more readers.

So what do you think?

DEVOTED’s lovely
new paperback cover!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love the warm colors and the text woven through Rachel’s hair.  And am I the only one who sees a resemblance between the girl on the cover and the actress Scarlett Johansson?

The paperback version of Devoted will be available on September 20, but you can preorder here if you’re interested in adding it to your collection!

Speaking of September 20, that’s the same day my third novel, Afterward, makes its debut.  Afterward tells the story of two Texas teenagers, Ethan and Caroline, whose lives are linked by a kidnapping.  Afterward is about overcoming guilt, secrets, and shame and finding a soul-saving friendship in the most unlikely place.  I’m so proud of this story and eager to get it into the hands of readers.

Even though Afterward isn’t out yet, you have a chance to win a signed advance reader’s copy and a ton of awesome swag by checking out the GReads! blog.  Many thanks to Ginger at GReads! for all her help organizing this giveaway.  By the way, the contest is open to international readers, too, so enter away!  But hurry – the contest closes on May 20.

Sweet AFTERWARD swag and a signed ARC are available!

Did you know preordering a book is one of the best ways to help an author’s sale numbers?  If you’re interested in preordering Afterward, you can click here to order from Amazon or here to order from one of my favorite indie bookstores right here in Houston, Blue Willow Bookshop.  If you order from Blue Willow, please request that I sign your copy before it’s sent out.  I’ll be happy to do it – one more reason to order from an indie!

Introducing the cover of my next novel – AFTERWARD

I am so thrilled to share with you the cover of my next novel, Afterward, out September 20, 2016 from Roaring Brook Press.

Afterward tells the story of a tragic kidnapping that leads to an unlikely friendship.  At its core, it’s about finding light in the midst of darkness.

The book opens when 16-year-old Caroline’s little brother is kidnapped.  His subsequent rescue leads to the discovery of Ethan, a teenager who has been living with the kidnapper since he was a young child himself. In the aftermath, Caroline can’t help but wonder what Ethan knows about everything that happened to her brother, who is not readjusting well to life at home. And although Ethan is desperate for a friend, he can’t see Caroline without experiencing a resurgence of traumatic memories. But after the media circus surrounding the kidnappings departs from their small Texas town, both Caroline and Ethan find that they each need a friend–and their best option just might be each other.

Readers and friends, I hope this synopsis and this gorgeous cover spark an interest in reading my next novel.

Some super lovely and talented writers of young adult fiction have been kind enough to praise Afterward, and I want to share their thoughts with you.

“Afterward is a brave story about the transcendent power of friendship, told with remarkable grace. I became utterly engrossed in the beautifully drawn lives and minds of Ethan and Caroline, and the sensitive, truthful depiction of the bond that begins to heal them both.” – Ava Dellaira, author of Love Letters to the Dead

“Heartbreaking and heart mending, Afterward is a beautifully crafted novel that shows the power of hope and the resilience of one incredible boy and the people who care about him. Jennifer Mathieu has again demonstrated the complexity and strength of survivors in an authentic and compassionate way.” – Christa Desir, author of Bleed Like Me and Fault Line

“Afterward is a perceptive depiction of recovery from a trauma most of us have only read about in the news. Fans of Jennifer Mathieu’s earlier books should be ecstatic: this is her best one yet.”  – Cammie McGovern, author of Say What You Will and A Step Toward Falling

 

Wow.  I can only say thank you a million times over for such warm support.

You can add Afterward to your Goodreads page and you can preorder now on Amazon.

Super Shiny Brand New Book News!

WELL!  I’ve got some book news I’ve been sitting on that’s making me all squirmy with excitement, so let’s get down to sharing it!

As you might know, I’ve had my third book with Roaring Brook Press/Macmillan in the works for a while now.  It’s due to be published on September 20, 2016 – only I’m struggling with finding a just-right title!  It’s about two teenagers named Caroline and Ethan, and it’s told in alternating points of view.  Sort of like my first book, The Truth About Alice.

Caroline and Ethan are linked by a tragic crime – a kidnapping – and this book is all about healing from trauma and finding a soul-saving friendship in the most unlikely of places.  I did a ton of research on trauma bonds and spoke to a lot of amazing mental health professionals and brave survivors of abuse as a part of my writing process, and I’m really proud of this one.  I can’t wait to get it in your hands.  And I really can’t wait to announce a title once I have it figured out!

But now comes my super shiny brand new news.  I’ve sold two (yes, two!) more books to my wonderful editor Kate Jacobs at Roaring Brook Press.

The first book in the deal, tentatively titled Moxie, is basically the book of my dreams, y’all.

It’s about a 16-year-old girl named Vivian Carter who lives in a small Texas town.  (If you’ve read my books, you know small Texas towns are kind of my thing.)  Anyway, Vivian finds inspiration in her mom’s stories about the 90s Riot Grrrl movement, and she decides to create a zine called Moxie.  Vivian distributes Moxie anonymously in an effort to combat the sexism in her high school and ends up creating a modern day teen feminist revolution in her town!

AND PEOPLE, I AM MAKING ACTUAL MOXIE ZINES TO GO INSIDE THE BOOK.

Those of you who’ve known me since I was twentysomething know I actually made my own zine way back when that was titled Jennifer.  (Wow, I really do have a problem coming up with good titles.  By the way, old copies of Jennifer are housed at the Barnard zine library – something that makes me really happy.)  But anyway, my zine-making past makes the zine aspect of the Moxie project really super cool and exciting for me.

Moxie combines so much stuff I love and adore – punk rock, lady rights, the 90s, zines, Texas, and an interesting, fully-fleshed out female protagonist.  It’s honestly my fantasy project.  Moxie is set to come out in the fall of 2017.  I’m not totally sure what the second book in this two-book deal will be about, but I promise you I already have some ideas brewing in my head.

I can’t thank you enough for supporting my first two books, The Truth About Alice and Devoted, and I hope you’re intrigued enough to check out these new stories of mine.

Much gratitude to my amazing agent Kerry Sparks of Levine Greenberg Rostan for coming along just when I needed her.  She is the Kathleen Hanna of literary agents – and I can think of no bigger compliment to pay someone.

See you on the shelves!

My next book…Devoted!

Okay, so I’m trying to update my blog and stay somewhat current, so I wanted to give y’all a little bit of the 411 on my next book, Devoted.  Did I just say “411”?  Yikes.  Sorry. 😉

The cover of my latest novel, out June 2, 2015 from Roaring Brook Press.

My next novel, Devoted, will be published by Roaring Brook Press on June 2, 2015.  It’s about a young woman named Rachel Walker who is one of ten children growing up in a rural part of Texas.  Rachel is part of an extremely religious family, and when she begins to question her faith, her world falls apart around her.  She has to deal with the fallout and figure out who she really is and what she really believes.

I admit my inspiration for writing this book came from my weird obsession with this show on TLC called 19 Kids and Counting, about a family called the Duggars.  The Duggars (in case you don’t know) are a family with 19 children that lives in Arkansas.  Years ago (when the show was 17 Kids and Counting, I think), I started watching the show purely out of some weird fascination with who they were.  I’d grown up the oldest of three, and I’d gone on to have one child.  I was befuddled by the idea of having a large family.  How did the basic mechanics – laundry, meals, school – happen?  How does a family with that many kids exist day to day?  I mean, there are days I can barely manage to microwave a bunch of chicken nuggets for my single four-year-old, so how do mothers with more kids than they can count on two hands survive?

As I started watching the show and reading more about the Duggar family, I also began to read more about the Quiverfull movement.  While the Duggars have never come out and claimed membership in this Christian subculture, it’s quite clear from their lifestyle choices that they support the basic tenets of this movement.  I ended up reading a nonfiction book about this world called Quiverfull, by writer Kathryn Joyce, and I became totally obsessed!

As I learned in my reading, Quiverfull families often believe in following strict gender roles, and they regularly turn their backs on the secular world.  Quiverfull girls usually don’t cut their hair, wear pants, or go to public school.  Everything they read is monitored and they often have to have a chaperone when they go on the Internet or venture out in public.  Instead of dating, they court, and they’re often expected to marry relatively young and have a lot of children.  Older girls in Quiverfull families take on a lot of the burden of child care, which frustrates some of them.  The reason they have such big families is that Quiverfull followers believe that by having a lot of babies, they are helping to spread the message of Christ.

As I researched Devoted, I got to meet a few young women who were raised in this world, and I was so impressed by them and by their honesty.  In fact, I ended up dedicating the book to one of them!  I also spent a lot of time on this blog, run by Vyckie Garrison, as I learned more about this movement.

It’s super important that people understand that it’s not my intent to bash religion or religious people with this novel.  I still go to church, pray, and have a relationship with God.  But my whole life I’ve been quite intrigued by people who take their faith to extremes and who seem to have no doubts in their beliefs.  It’s this curiosity that drove me to write Devoted.  I really do believe that part of being a teenager is starting to question the faith in which you’ve been raised.  Or, if you haven’t been raised in any faith, you might start to question what you believe about the universe, how we got here, and why we’re here.  So it’s my hope that this book speaks to teenage readers who are trying to ask themselves big, important questions about who they are.  That’s part of the teenage experience, in my opinion.

Bustle had a great write up and interview with me if y’all are interested in more about Devoted.  You can also add Devoted to your Goodreads queue here.

Thanks for the ongoing support!

So much ALICE love…

My debut novel! Eep! Still can’t believe it’s real.

It’s been forever since I’ve updated my blog, so I wanted to add two quick updates today – one about my debut, The Truth About Alice, and one about my upcoming release, Devoted, out June 2, 2015 and also from Roaring Brook Press.

It’s been a groovy, crazy, wonderful ride since The Truth About Alice was released June 3 of this year.  I got to go on tour with the amazing Leigh Bardugo (The Grisha trilogy), Ava Dellaira (Love Letters to the Dead), and Emmy Laybourne (Monument 14 series).  In cities all over, I met readers and bloggers and future writers – not a lot of sleep but so much fun!

Here I am with Ava, Emmy, and Leigh posing outside the amazing Red Balloon Bookshop in St. Paul, MN!

The Truth About Alice has received such a warm response from readers and the trades.  It’s been chosen as a Fall 2014 selection for the Junior Library Guild and received a starred review from VOYA (“Fans of Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson and Speechless by Hannah Harrington will welcome first time author Mathieu, who has crafted a realistic and hard-hitting debut.”)  Wow, thanks, VOYA!  🙂

And just today I found out I’ve been nominated for a Best Debut Goodreads Author award!  (You can vote here if you’re so inclined.)

But the best part of this childhood dream come true is meeting with teen readers and hearing from them on social media, too.  I think my favorite moment was getting a E-mail from a 17-year-old girl who wrote me in the middle of the night to tell me she stayed up late to finish the book.  I kinda still can’t believe my words are in the hands of people other than my agent, editor, and husband.

Thanks to everyone for your ongoing support, and I promise I’ll try to post more regularly! xoxoxo

 

If Caillou’s Mom Kept a Diary

February 26, 2013        

Caillou’s Daddy hasn’t touched me in weeks.  Make that months.  I don’t get it.  To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how Caillou and Rosie even entered our lives.  It’s like they’ve always been here.  Caillou has interrupted us in bed so many times, but God knows he’s never interrupted any lovemaking.  The last time he sauntered in here whining about shadows and some nonsense, Caillou’s Daddy actually got out of bed and made him hot chocolate.  That child is never going to learn proper boundaries with that kind of parenting.

I’d accuse Caillou’s Daddy of sleeping with Miss Martin, but he’s such a eunuch I don’t think that’s possible.  I’m sure Miss Martin wouldn’t turn him down.  She’s such a floozie and a complete alcoholic.  I smelled vodka on her breath this morning, I’m sure of it.  But truthfully, how can I fault her?  She teaches preschool for God’s sake.  To that red-headed little heathen Leo, no less.  God knows it takes me at least two cocktails to make it through breakfast with the rest of this Sunshine Family.

March 3, 2013

Let’s get real for a moment and talk about the color scheme of this house.  My eyes bleed each time I walk into the kitchen.  Red and blue and yellow this and red and blue and yellow that.  I feel like the colors are mocking me and my true nature.  I’m an introspective woman at heart, and I prefer muted tones.  Tans, beiges, a nice ecru.  I ask you – who the Hell has a bright red roof over a bright blue primary structure?   Me, that’s who.

And to think I used to listen to Bauhaus in college.  Le sigh.

March 14, 2013

Grandma and Grandpa are coming over AGAIN tomorrow, damn it.  I feel like clipping some research about the importance of the nuclear family having time to strengthen and develop on its own and leaving it in a prominent place in the (primary-colored) living room.  Grandpa with his forced joviality and aggressive masculine nature, Grandma submitting to such obvious heteronormative roles (not that I can talk, truth be told).

Oh, wait, Grandma is an artist.  I forgot.  Throw some pots at the Senior Center once a week and now you’re Marina Abramović.  As if.

March 22, 2013

Caillou, that LITTLE TWERP.  I washed his shirt for art class and made him pancakes in the shape of a dinosaur and all I got was a whiny temper tantrum at the grocery store.  I know the doctor says there’s no way I can up my dosage, but I’m calling him tomorrow.  I simply must.

Rosie is a sweetheart and I clearly favor her, I realize, but it’s only because I see her future trapped in the same limited, thankless role while that bald-headed son of mine moves on to some other woman in some other ridiculously-painted house and expects her to make him dinosaur-shaped pancakes just like me.  Did the movement’s second wave ACHIEVE NOTHING?  Sometimes it feels that way, I will tell you.

Only Gilbert understands me.

 April 2, 2013

Park, school, kitchen.  Park, school, kitchen.  And the mothers at the park.  Morons!  I tried to discuss Judith Butler’s latest essay with Clementine’s mommy and the mommy of those damn twins no one can tell apart, and all I got were vacant stares.

I’m a Vassar girl, for Christ’s sake!

 

We’re Good With One, Thanks

I remember my first post-delivery check up with my OB.  My husband and our newborn son accompanied me to a brief exam with my doctor.  All was well.  Then, on our way out, the support staff asked us when we’d be back for baby number two.

Folks, at this time I had stitches in my vagina.  Think about that.  Sorry, but just think about it.  Stitches.  In.  My.  Vagina.  And I was already supposed to be thinking about baby numero dos.  For serious?

The truth is my hubs and I have always figured we’d have just one.  It took us a year to conceive our son.  We had just started fertility testing when we found out we were expecting.  And now, at 36 and 45, it might not be easy to have a second anyway.  Financially, it also makes sense for our family to be little instead of big or even slightly bigger than it is now.

But the truth is, I think even if I’d ended up knocked up at 30 and my husband and I were in possession of some serious bank, we would still be planning on just one.

And this shocks people.  To be honest, it actually infuriates some of them.

It appears the child-free folks have gained some momentum in earning the respect of others, and I’m glad for that.  A person’s choice to breed (or not to breed) is truly a MYOB situation.  But despite the fact that having only one child is becoming more and more common, you wouldn’t believe the crap people give us for choosing to have a cozy family of three.  So it’s my intent to work through some of the comments I’ve received since my kiddo was born almost three years ago – comments delivered by well-meaning friends as well as total strangers.

“But aren’t only children awful, terrible, selfish people?”

Okay, so maybe people don’t come right out and say this to me.  But they come pretty close.  I remember a teacher I used to work with.  Every time we had a parent teacher conference with the mom or dad of an especially difficult child, she would always ask, “Is he/she an only child?”  The implication was that only children are often assholes.

Let’s try this exercise.  Think of an asshole you know.  Since most people have siblings, the odds are that the biggest asshole you know has a brother or a sister.  Yet they are still an asshole.  Why?

Because having a brother or sister is not a vaccination against being an asshole.

I’m not suggesting that there aren’t only children who are spoiled and nasty.  But only children don’t corner the market on those traits.  Research proves as much time and time again, and to suggest otherwise is lazy thinking as well as ignorant and just plain rude.

By the way, that teacher who had her Only Children Are Assholes theory?  Ninety-five percent of the kids we had conferences about had a brother or a sister.

“But what if your child dies?”                          

When people say this to me, I always punch them in the face.  Well, I dream of doing so.  Then I want to thank them for forcing me to think about The. Very. Worst. Thing. Ever.  EVER.  You wouldn’t believe how many people bring this sick question up when I talk about not having more children.

I totally admit that people who lose a child and still have others to care for are given a reason to get up in the morning in a way that a person who loses their one and only simply doesn’t have.  But I don’t care if you have one child or twenty.  When you lose a kid, it doesn’t matter how many more you have.  It’s got to be the most horrific experience on Earth.  Having more than one doesn’t negate that horror, and to suggest it even minimizes it is insulting to anyone who has lost a child.

A second, third, or fourth child isn’t insurance against immeasurable sadness, people.  So please stop suggesting it is.

“But won’t the burden of your old age be on your one and only child?”

Because everyone knows the main reason to have children is to make sure you don’t end up on Skid Row, homeless, infested with ringworm, and gnawing on your own feet, right?  Riiiiiight.  My first impulse is to ask folks to raise their hands if they know of a sibling group that faced some pretty nasty battles over how to best take care of an aging Mom and Dad.  Um hmm.  I thought so.

I have an idea.  Why don’t my husband and I take the money we would spend on a second or third college education and buy some long-term care insurance instead?  We can also hope and pray our son finds a lifelong companion to help him shepherd us into the Golden Years.  But again, to have another child only so we can have two people talk about the best time to move us into Shady Pines is not a good enough reason to give birth again.

“But don’t you want them to have the joy of a sibling relationship?”

My brother and sister are two of the coolest people I know.  I honestly do not know where I would be without them.  But my husband – also an only – has had similarly awesome relationships with very close friends that he has had since childhood.  Plenty of people have super tight relationships with their siblings.  And plenty of people have horrible, estranged relationships with their siblings.  It’s a crap shoot.  I can’t justify having a second baby we don’t really want just because my son may or may not have a great time hanging out with that person.  Especially when powerful, meaningful friendships that impact an entire life shouldn’t be and aren’t limited by blood.

“But aren’t you being selfish?”

Ah, the old selfish question.  My childfree by choice peeps certainly know what I mean.

People who have multiple children have my respect.  It takes a certain skill set to have multiple children, and I know myself and my husband well enough to know – we don’t have that skill set.  Ever since we were kids, my husband and I both craved solitude, and neither one of us does well with chaos.  Some people are meant to have lots of kids, and to them, I say – go for it.  Bless you.  But my husband and I wouldn’t do well with more than one.  And we know this.

There’s nothing selfish in making a choice that makes sense for you and for your family.  There’s nothing selfish in making a choice that makes you a better parent, a better partner, a better citizen out there in the world.  What is selfish is breeding thoughtlessly or because it’s what you’re “supposed” to do.  To me, that’s selfish.

So there you have it.  My testimony for having just one.  I adore my child, and I honestly can’t imagine my life without him – even if he did cause me to have to get stitches in my vagina.  Please stop acting like my choice to have him and only him is anything less than the thoughtful, loving decision that it is, made with care and concern.  Thanks.

Making My Students’ Heads Explode!

Ask any teacher, and they’ll tell you that one of the best feelings you can have as an instructor is the moment when a student doesn’t just think of you as the person who is holding them back from going to lunch, but as the person who can actually impart some useful knowledge or change their worldview.  And you know that for the rest of that student’s life, that kid is going to remember you as the person who created that moment.

As I get ready to start my eighth year in the classroom as an English teacher, I thought I’d share my top five favorite “Oh, wow!” student moments.

What the word loiter means

You would think I am kidding, but every single year that the word `loiter’ has been on my teaching vocabulary list, the result has been total amazement from my students.  They see the word on every gas n’ sip door in town but never know what it means, so this is knowledge they can actually use.  I remember one girl telling me she thought the NO LOITERING sign was “just a weird way to spell no littering.”  I’m sure she wasn’t the only one who thought that.

Dally dies

Okay, so if you haven’t read The Outsiders I’ve totally gone and ruined it for you, but this has to go on my list.  When I teach The Outsiders (also known as The Best Book Ever), my students are never surprised when they get to the part where Johnny dies.  It gets foreshadowed quite a bit plus his injuries from that church fire were pretty serious.  But the part they’re never prepared for comes a scant few pages later, when Dallas “Dally” Winston pulls a suicide by cop and goes down in a blaze of glory because he misses his best buddy Johnny so damn much.  They never, ever see it coming.

“He was dead before he hit the ground. But I knew that was what he wanted, even as the lot echoed with the cracks of the shots, even as I begged silently – Please not him, not him and Johnny both… I knew he would be dead because Dallas Winston wanted to be dead and he always got what he wanted.”

Every year when I read that part out loud, you see their little mouths fall open in surprised “Os!” and a few girls always cry.  This year, I had a kid throw the book down on the ground and yell, “I hate this book!  I hate it!”  I tried to get him to understand that he actually loved it, or he wouldn’t have cared so much that Dallas was dead.

Some words can be nouns and verbs…or an adjective and an adverb and a noun…or sometimes they can only be nouns, etc.

Remember as a kid when you had to learn, “A noun is a person, place, or thing,” and then when you got a bit more mature you were let in on the fact that a noun can also be “an idea or quality”?  And you also learned that a verb is an action and an adjective is a describing word like red, fat, or crunchy or whatever?  (You also learned what an adverb is, and a preposition, too, but I bet you twenty bucks you don’t remember those.)

Anyway, the problem with learning parts of speech that way is that kids don’t get the idea that a word can change from one form to another depending on how it’s used.  Quickness is a quality noun, but you could turn it into an adjective by taking away the “ness.”  Or turn it into an adverb by adding “ly.”

You would not believe how this just blows kids’ minds.

“Is kick a noun or a verb?” somebody will ask.

“Well, it depends on how you use it,” I say.  “In `I kick you,’ kick is a verb, but, in `He gave me a sharp kick,’ kick is a noun.”

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

Tom Robinson is convicted

Perhaps it’s a sign of how far we have come that my students all believe Tom Robinson in To Kill a Mockingbird will be found innocent of those trumped up rape charges brought upon him by Miss Mayella Ewell.  And of course he’s found guilty.

It doesn’t matter that he has Atticus Finch representing him and all the physical evidence points to Tom’s innocence.  All that matters is it’s the 1930s in the American South, and Tom Robinson is staring down the worst possible charge a black man of the time can face – sexually assaulting a white woman.  He was guilty in the minds of the jurors before Atticus even opened his mouth.  And the kids are shocked every time.

(On a much, much lighter note, teaching TKAM does give me the opportunity to say the word “chiffarobe” out loud several times.  That’s a fun word to say if you’ve never tried it – FYI.)

The end of Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery”

Spoiler alert – if you haven’t read the end of Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery,” go read it now!

Done?  Good.  Then you know why each time I study this story with my students, they grow more and more uncomfortable with each paragraph, but they don’t know exactly why they’re squirming in their seats.

But when ol’ Tessie Hutchinson gets the crap kicked out of her with those rocks, they look at me like I must be a true sicko for even introducing this story to them.

“Why would they do that?” somebody will ask, horrified.

“Because,” I tell them, “this story is a metaphor for life and how cruel and unthinking humans can be and how they often follow traditions blindly.”  Then I laugh in this evil way and they’re all truly terrified of me.

(P.S. Okay, I don’t actually say that, and I don’t do an evil laugh.  But I do try to guide them to that conclusion.)

Happy 2012-2013 school year, everyone!